You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Randomize
