I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
