I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
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