mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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