What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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