I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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