Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I am one with the molecules
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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