I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
He kissed a someone with a penis
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
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