Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
