Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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