I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
