Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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