So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
