Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
