I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
You can't motorboat a personality
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Randomize
