Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
