Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
