Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Randomize
