just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
