how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
