i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
