I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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