i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
