happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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