I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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