She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
