I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
