just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
