I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Randomize
