Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
