Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
