She tied me up with her honor cords...
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
