Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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