my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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