why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
