i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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