hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
