New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
