Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
