I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
well you can't waste a boner
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
