McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
