how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
