You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
