Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
