I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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