I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
