how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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