Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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