Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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