I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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